Ugly duckling

When I was 15,16, 17 looking at the mirror the only thing I saw was this ugly duckling looking back at me. I hated the way I looked. My nose, skin, height, weight, hips, thighs, boobs, you name it. Ugly, ugly, ugly. It didn’t help to hear that I was overweight at the age of 14 according to body mass index. I never really told anyone that these thoughts kept running in my head from day to day, until now. How could I, everyone else seemed so happy, normal, pretty and balanced. ”I don’t want to bother anyone with my concerns”, was one of my leading thoughts. It felt bad always comparing myself with other girls, but honestly, I didn’t have the tools to get out of that state of mind back those days. I didn’t know how to help that little girl I was with that increasing amount of self-hatred.

thunder

Wait, I do remember that there was something that was ok about me. Those were like my ears because there was nothing badly wrong with them in my opinion. That’s just crazy when I think about it afterwards.

At the age of 20 I ended up obsessively losing weight ten kg (22 lbs) in a really short period of time. Did that help? Hell, no. Just realized nothing changed inside my mind. I probably hated myself even more for failing and disappointing myself. If you’d ask me how much I hated myself from 1 to 10, I’d say 11.

I didn’t know how to help that little girl with that increasing amount of self-hatred.

It’s not that I wasn’t loved or accepted, I totally was, but the problem was the world I had created inside my head that I believed more than anything else. Now, that is somewhat creativity, isn’t it? And I know we all have the ability to create something in our heads and this was my truth at that time of my life.

After having a lot of problems in my relationships and my well-being, one day I had enough. Instead of looking at the mirror I decided to look deeper, see what’s inside of all that crap I thought about myself. The mental image I had for myself was awful, the way I spoke to myself and the ways I planned my life ahead, those were just mean. Why on earth does anyone keep doing or saying those things to oneself? I’d never say or do those things to anyone else but I kept punishing me all the time for whatever reasons I came up with. What. A. Crazy. Girl. And a sad one, too.

I thought, I really need to get along with this girl for the rest of my life so how could I start at least liking her? Should I speak to her differently? Should I honor the uniqueness and look for the beauty that lies within herself? Should I just make a whole new mental image for the person I was looking at? I ended up wondering how to build a future and a land of opportunity that I finally understood was there waiting for me to find it and start act on it. And quite soon I knew that I am the only person who can help myself with that.

What I think about those days now, is that it’s an awesome gift to have a mental background like that. Without those days I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Without the endless hunger of finding ways to live a better life (this will continue for the rest of my life!) I would not realized what is the beauty that comes from within. Without that period of time I’d still be hunting for a treasure at the end of a rainbow instead of riding on top of it. It’s kind of a big world out there, both internally and externally. I’m not the appearance that we can see but also the power, love and beauty that comes from within.

Make future you proud.

If you’re anything like me, please realize this: there’s only one person who can change the image you have for yourself. Only you taking initiative can help you to heal those invisible scars you may have. There’s just one hint today, and this hint will stay in the back of your mind for the rest of your life. Dump the people out of your life who do not appreciate you being most natural version of you. Don’t let people poison your view of yourself. Clean those people out of your precious life. I know it’s not easy, but ”future you” will thank you. Keep people who take you as you are.

A photo by Joseph Barrientos. unsplash.com/photos/eyJdbBIk7lA

Just wondering how many of us have actually had kind of similar thoughts and feelings? For me it took way too many years to realize this (every single year is too much!), to get out of my cruel mind and a land of not accepting myself. I don’t want the same thing happen to anyone else which is why I wrote this text. Why waste 40, 50 or even more years and accept oneself not until then? Why wait? Make future you proud. After reading this, take a moment to appreciate how beautiful, unique and special you are.

Be who you are and be well,

Henriikka



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